Gah! I am so fucking pissed off at life!

NO you can't just stop being my friend
NO I can't cause I'm too busy and stressed out
NO YOU FUCKING CAN'T ruin Chuck and Blair. That's all I have to live for!
NO classes can't start on Monday
NO I DON'T WANT TO PACK

I'm just so freaking lonely; it's making all sorts of weird feelings come out.

It's been so long since I've cried

So last night I had a really good, really sad, really random dream.
I don't remember the specifics, but Will and I reconciled and fell in love again.
If only he hadn't changed so much, and if I had changed sooner...

Met future French husband last night: check

Probably won't see him ever again, but it's nice to know that he exists

Paris Fling Count:

1

(Notes: Really, really cute (bonus points), from Morocco (extra bonus points), When I left without saying goodbye, said fling followed me to coat check to get my number (bonus points))

How is it possible to be in love with this many people at once?

I have a love/hate relationship with getting drunk

OMG

So I just happened to be looking up our fave Flan man on Wikipedia, and this is what I found:

"He spent a year studying at the Sorbonne in Paris[4] as part of the Junior Year Abroad program and is fluent enough to joke around with French reporters in French.[6]"

AHHHH!!! I doubt it's my program, but STILL!!!

So, I'm twenty. In France.
And how do I celebrate?
By morphing my face with celebrities:
Some of my faves:

That's me, Blake Lively, and Emmy Rossum. I'm really depressed now that I'm not that beautiful

Me, Audrey Hepburn, and Emmy Rossum


And of course, me and Paris Hilton

I'm boring

Hard life lesson that I've learned today #1:
NEVER NEVER NEVER try to cut your own bangs if you have no idea what you are doing. I look like a tool.

Oh well, they'll grow back soon?...I hope :(

So I can't sleep, cause the thought of the next big California earthquake popped into my head.

And now I'm terrified, because nothing scares me more than earthquakes.

But then I get over it and decide to close my computer and go to bed.

And what happens two minutes later?

A FUCKING 3.5 EARTHQUAKE

I hate life I hate life

As much as I love California, I need to get out. I can't be here when "the one" happens.

When will the cute boy ever like me?

So some kid who went to SLHS just sent me a message on myspace telling me that he liked me a lot in high school.

Oh life.

Freaking out.

I'm freaking tired. It's 3:38am and I want to go to bed. Today has been so stressful. I accidentally slept in till 2pm, and I had a ton of work to do. I had a performance tonight, a 15 minute presentation to prepare in French explaining a French poem, a 3 page paper answering some of life's "big questions", and a 5 page paper on a book that I had to finish reading. I am ready for my presentation, finished the three page paper, and finished reading the book, but now I am stuck. I'm supposed to discuss the major themes of the book, but I don't know what they are!!! I read the whole freaking book, but it was so poorly written that I could explain what it was trying to say if my life depended on it. Now I have to finish this review in the next 4 hours, and it's worth 20% of my freaking grade. And I can't do it.

Bored out of my freaking mind.

I feel like crap.

So first of all, starting to have feelings for a friend of mine, who happens to be taken. I don't get it. I mean, I'm starting to get these strange thoughts that he could be the "one", which is ridiculous, but they keep on creeping up in my mind. So why now? Why someone who's taken? What am I supposed to do? Just deny all these feelings that are taking hold out of nowhere?

AND THEN crap with a friend. So we kinda kissed once, and that made things a little weird, but I don't like him, and my frustration/abandonment issues have nothing to do with that. I'm just tired of being blown off. So we randomly started hanging out more before the kissing episode, and I saw the potential for one of those "omg, you GET me" epic friendships that last lifetimes, and I thought that was what he saw too. But I am sick and tired of trying to find times to hang out FOR OVER A MONTH NOW, and then when the scheduled time comes, just being completely ignored. He doesn't answer texts or anything. I'm sick of having the anticipation of having hang out time just to be dismissed without an explanation. And I know that he is busy. Believe me, I get it. I know how it is not having any time to breathe, but I am so willing to sacrifice a little of my time for this friendship before it is too late, and he graduates and I go off to Paris and we don't have the chance to get to build this friendship. And I am so sick of putting so much effort into wanting this friendship, and getting absolutely nothing in return. I thought that a friendship with me actually had some value to him, but I guess I've just been delusional. Which makes me feel absolutely worthless. AND I FUCKING JUST WANT TO HATE HIM.

Well, 3 for 3. I got accepted into all of the study abroad programs I applied to (ISEP in Provence, Sweet Briar Junior Year in France, and the London School of Economics General Course). It's nice to hear from London, though I've already accepted Sweet Briar.

It's a nice change to have work finally pay off and get accepted to things.

Well, back to another all nighter of hard work

So I almost fell asleep last night on a couch cuddled between two of my close guy friends.

I want another cuddle orgy.

So I just finished reading "I Capture the Castle" again, which always puts me in a writing mood.

Damn

I wish that I was able to put my feelings down into words more eloquently.

The end of that book just kills me. If you've read it, you must know what I mean.

I know that I get silly about men and love and romance and the whole thing, and that I'll obsess over some guy, and then forget about him in a week, and all that

But I honestly worry that I will never fall in love.

Well, that's not exactly true. I have fallen in love before, once.

But I mean, the kind of love which can last a lifetime. Freaking Valentine's Day. Will I ever meet that one? I'm beginning to worry that I never will, which kills me because I NEED TO LOVE SOMEONE. If there is one thing about me that I am certain of, it is that I NEED to be loved, and I NEED someone to love back.

I know this sounds histrionic, but Damn it.
I feel cold.

Yay! Snow Day!

WHAT??!?!?

HEATH LEDGER IS DEAD?!!??!

ETA: This was at the bottom of his Wikipedia article

"Loving Father. Great Actor. Gay Cowboy."

I'm going to cry.

I had a serious 50's housewife moment today.I was doing my sister's laundry, and for a moment I thought.

"Someday, I'll have my own washer and dryer."

And I felt it poignantly.

Sometimes I scare myself